


What we call home

by Dryiceshizuku



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Canon, Canon Universe, Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Taylor Swift, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Roommates, and they were ROOMMATES, band!au, but yeah, idk why but the next tag made me laugh so, in case in wasn't clear, mentions of ot12, oh my good they were roommates, there's no taylor swift guys i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-28 23:30:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20434283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dryiceshizuku/pseuds/Dryiceshizuku
Summary: The story of the night we changed.





	What we call home

Such is the noise that the wind carries with it during the busiest hours of the day, that when the night calls, we can’t help but rejoice in the silence only solitude can deliver.

Everyday trivialities and duties were consciously forgotten when the sunlight had left the surface of the furniture’s corners, leaving no place for movement, but welcoming the shadows of interrogatives, and perhaps, a hint of uncertainty.

And as the clouds blurred the lastly always present stars in the sky, the tension accumulated behind the heavy shoulders was relived with ease. There was no soul but his at that moment in life to question his actions, no voice to alter the, after all the chaos, normal life.

Living one’s dreams was a gift, indeed, though not one that came with no responsibilities.

And there was Baekhyun, striving to find himself inside a wet mirror.

What was he trying to discover while looking at his reflection, he wouldn’t know, and yet the image didn’t seem to consider his opinion on the matter, holding him in place instead.

Today’s earlier events were fresh in his mind, all collected in a sequence of sounds and colors, with little pieces of conversations in between. The same high-pitch laughs, the same childish antics he had grown fond of over the past year was something he liked to hold close to his heart, for they were the reason why he was still going strong.

It was nothing new that a celebrity life was far from being easy, but he doubted most people knew all the implications linked with living in the spotlight. Yet, he knew there were almost a dozen people who shared the same feelings as him.

After turning off the bathroom’s lights, the sight of his bed on the other side of the room looked appealing enough to make the effort to fasten his steps to reach it, avoiding the funny sensation his stomach felt while passing by the other empty bed.

Picking up his bedsheets and wrapping his body in a warm embrace, Baekhyun let his head hit the pillow in a second. The tiresome legs which had followed the rhythm of upbeat songs since morning spread with liberty now, and soon after, his mind did too.

All it took to paint a smile on his face was to recall all they had been through together in the short period life had decided to put them together, similar to a film in content and emotion.

The dark ceiling seemed to contain all the secrets only he could have gathered during those agitated months, secrets that revealed themselves in front of his eyes in the form of quick images, one after the other.

The hope for a brighter future. The wish of becoming their best selves. The fear of failure. The anxiety and stress such situations could create.

It didn’t matter how different they were from each other, it was the same circumstances that tied them together at the end.

And that was maybe where Baekhyun got his strength from, knowing there was a group of friends just as scared as he was, and that the only effort he had to make to find them was to step outside his bedroom and knock once or twice.

How could it be his luck, Baekhyun would found himself thinking, that his biggest source of familiarity in this crazy lifestyle was, night after night, lying close to his mattress, reporting his ever-so-happy memories with the naivety of a kid.

He could remember learning about fate, or had he heard it from someone else, he wasn’t sure, but the knowledge and belief of it had brought a sweet thought that hadn’t left him ever since.

Could it be, even after all this time, that things happened because of a reason?

No person would ever know, but he was willing to believe it possible.

Because the person who had met him with open arms was the same person who had cried with him when everything seemed unbearable. That person was, strangely, absent tonight.

Picturing the silhouette where it should be, his eyes wandered around the tidy bed. His eyelids warned him about giving up at any moment, but that didn’t stop him from putting his rest aside until that familiar face came to light up his mood again.

He was the happiest when in their company, and the pressure often felt in his chest would go unnoticed for hours, replaced with what could only be described as bubbles.

If there was something he was glad for, apart from the direction his life had taken, and the opportunity he got to follow his deepest desire, was to have the pleasure of meeting him.

For as long as they were together, he could continue shinning as he had always wished.

But when the night would come, it would also bring with it the insecurities he’d like to bury in his head. And the questions society liked to ask when someone didn’t follow the normal way of things would torment him when everybody else sighed in between dreams.

It was scary. What he thought the world expected from him, was in reality, far from being what he wanted for himself. And the fear of disappointing those who believed in him left him feeling ashamed of his own emotions when he shouldn’t.

Baekhyun was forced to leave all the negative thoughts for later when hearing a weak knock coming from the door. As he preferred not to rely on his senses when daydreaming, he waited for a confirmation that what he had heard had really happened. And the second knock on the door, louder this time, confirmed it.

“Baek, can I come in?”

A sigh of relief. And maybe a shiver running down his spine too.

He had been waiting for him, so delaying his arriving would not only be rude, but also stupid.

The boy on the other side was apparently growing impatient too.

“Come on, it’s cold outside.”

Baekhyun had no other choice but to quickly extinguish any sign of excitement from his heart, caring for drying his sweaty hands before letting the other boy enter their room.

Swallowing hard and putting on a small smile, he answered. “Okay, come in.”

Just like all the past nights, he appeared with a sheepish expression, always lacking seriousness, and all Baekhyun could do was to chuckle, wondering how admiration worked and how it never ceased to grow through time.

“What took you so long from answering me, Baekhyun?”

“And what took you so long to return to our room, Chanyeol?” he asked, pouting harder than usual. “You knew I could have got worried about you, didn’t you?”

Humming in realization, Chanyeol narrowed his eyes while looking at Baekhyun for a moment before turning to their wardrobe. “So you’re telling me you weren’t worried, basically.” He lowered his head and nodded. “I can’t believe it.”

Watching Chanyeol getting defensive was certainly a fun activity for Baekhyun, but he was too tired today to try to annoy him with light-hearted jokes. Curiosity was more important for now. “So, what were you doing that kept you away from your precious bed?”

He observed how the boy stopped moving, for what it seemed he was taking a moment to think about something before he continued changing into his pajamas.

“I went out.”

A sense of fear hit his guts, but before he could have the chance to reprimand Chanyeol about the dangers of walking alone at night, considering who they were, said boy turned around to look at him again, and Baekhyun could read his conflicted face immediately.

“I know it may be dangerous, but I needed some fresh air. I-” he trailed off, “I really needed it.”

Baekhyun wondered whether asking him more would be a good idea or not, but the thought of making Chanyeol upset made him opt to drop the topic. He knew the taller would eventually speak about it openly, and if not, he would respect his choice.

He coughed, calling the other’s attention, who had been staring at the floor after their exchange of words. “Okay, I understand. But please lie down; I can see how tired you are.”

And here is the thing; Baekhyun and Chanyeol hadn’t known each other for many years. They hadn’t been childhood friends, never had seen each other before the first time they met at the company, back in the days Baekhyun had been a new trainee.

Nevertheless, none of those facts affected the complicity they had developed since they became close friends, a relationship that was born faster than all any other he could recall.

Chanyeol had found a treasure in him that Baekhyun himself couldn’t see, but he could say the same thing about the other, only that Chanyeol already knew about his qualities.

So when words were not necessary most of the times when they were under the same roof, sharing a sense of humor only they seemed to understand, it was easy for them to know when to continue speaking, and when to wait until the other was ready to open up again.

The lights were turned off once again, and the only sound that could be heard was one of the once empty mattress.

Breathing softly not to disturb the silence in the air, eyes stuck to the back in the other bed, Baekhyun hugged himself with his cold arms. Wishing for something he couldn’t have while staring at the front, he allowed himself to imagine a different scenario in his situation.

Picturing a different kind of hug, where the person holding him close wasn’t himself, and where life would treat him kindly.

Baekhyun closed his eyes with no hurry. “Goodnight, Chan.”

The reply to his words came a few seconds after, but the tired sigh that came first left a painful feeling in his chest.

\---

It was hard to tell how much time had happened after he had last listened to the deep voice next to him, and though he was trying his best to immerse himself into the so-deserved moment of unconsciousness, the absence of the soft snoring he was used to listening at those hours was the reason he couldn’t.

Unable to open only one eye so he wouldn’t get caught in the act, Baekhyun blinked a couple of times to adjust his eyes to the dark before inspecting the chamber. Surprisingly, he couldn’t see shit at the beginning. But after a few more seconds, his gaze laid upon a still lump.

He was careful not to make any sound, for his intention were to listen to steady breathing that would tell him right away how pleasant of a dream Chanyeol was having. And when the only noise he could barely hear were occasional curses under his breath, Baekhyun got his answer; that liar was awake.

And well, so was he. But that wasn’t the point.

Baekhyun felt nervous all of a sudden, analyzing his next step.

It would be of no case to try to sleep because there were so many things running through his mind that he knew it would be nearly impossible. And pretending to sleep while knowing the other boy was just as miserable as he would be inconsiderable.

But there was something he could pretend right now, and that would save him from future questions.

Moaning softly while stretching his arms, Baekhyun cleared his throat as if just awaken, taking his time to gain strength to do anything after sleeping.

A minute seemed more than right to start speaking again with a hoarse voice. “Chanyeol? Are you awake?”

Hadn’t he been anxious about what was about to happen, he would have laughed heartedly on his performance, and surely Chanyeol would do too. But the only thing he could think of was how small he felt right now.

Then, a humorless laugh hit his ears. “Yeah … I’m sorry if I woke you.”

Baekhyun didn’t like the sad tone of his voice, forgetting all of his own worries when his friend needed him.

He needed to do something.

“Hm, it’s okay.” He could hear his fast heartbeat, hoping he was the only one who could, now that he had made up his mind on how to act next.

Licking his lips in anticipation, he assured himself everything would be alright before speaking. “I actually wonder if something is bothering you tonight, a-and, and maybe I can help you with that.”

He felt stupid for stuttering when talking to Chanyeol, someone so close to him that knew more about him than most people would ever get to know, but who could blame him when he felt the most vulnerable? Nights had their way to expose one’s true colors.

Chanyeol seemed to consider his offer, and Baekhyun was dying to know his answer. Turning his body to face the ceiling, Chanyeol took a deep breath. “There are lots of things, to be honest.”

Happy with the little advance they had made, Baekhyun made helping Chanyeol to heal through sharing his concerns his resolution. Seeing him sad was equally as bad as feeling that emotion himself.

“Do you think sharing some of them with me would help?”

Still in the dark, he could see the other’s head turning to him; attention’s caught by his question. And as soon as their eyes met, his own tense face was replaced with one of fondness.

“I think so… yeah.”

Baekhyun felt the urge to be bolder, to be straightforward, not knowing if what he wanted to ask was only because he was thinking of his friend’s well being, or if needing him to be closer was beneficial for him too.

“Want to come to my bed? That way we won’t wake the other boys. You know how many times they had scolded us for disturbing their sleep routines with our low voices.”

With that, he earned himself a chuckle.

And he was thankful, otherwise, he would have start overthinking about whether his request was appropriate or not.

“I don’t want to risk annoying Kyungsoo once more.”

Baekhyun mouthed a quiet ‘okay’, preparing to be the one to receive a friend with open arms this time.

When Chanyeol crawled through Baekhyun’s bed with difficulty, the latter swore having listened to violins and bells, melodic beats adorning the place like pink cotton clouds, navigating into his ears as thumps as he failed to concentrate.

Someone was looking at him with inquisitive eyes, someone who didn’t know how hard it was for Baekhyun to breathe when his chest felt like exploding.

Cursing at himself inwardly, Baekhyun changed his position to sit comfortably, and Chanyeol followed his action, the two boys finally facing each other.

The atmosphere had changed too, freezing everything and everyone who wasn’t covered with thick clothes. Silence had made an appearance one more time in between them, and nothing seemed to indicate it would leave any soon, or at least not on its own.

Even when there was no sign of rain at all, Baekhyun could have sworn to feel the humidity flooding the place they were in. Or was it just cold sweat he could feel in his forehead?

“So…”

His senses came back at this.

“I don’t know where to start from,” Chanyeol said while scanning his hands.

“Well, from the start–”

“Please, don’t.”

No matter how lame his jokes were, they would always make Chanyeol laugh, and this time wasn’t the exception. The rain, though, remained intact.

“You see, about the last game I downloaded a few days ago, I haven’t been able to pass this level, and there’s also this challenge I lost to Sehun, and, you know, the new headphones I just bought aren’t working when I last checked, and…”

Baekhyun was trying his best to follow Chanyeol’s words, he really was, but he was also 100% sure those problems weren’t the real deal behind the other’s lack of sleep and his necessity to go for a walk in the middle of winter.

What was so hard for his friend that he couldn’t even pronounce it out loud? They had talked about their fears before, so what was stopping him now?

Guilt invaded him suddenly, realizing Chanyeol wasn’t the only person hiding his real insecurities with unimportant things, occupying their mind with their packed schedule while the once little monster continued to grow.

And he asked himself when he would be honest about his feelings.

Would he, one day, be content with who he was?

There was a lot at stake, he knew, but deep down in his heart, he also knew that the boy sitting beside him would understand, even when not reciprocating his silly illusion.

Only then did he notice the rain had finally come to an end, and the serenity was brought like it always did after the storm.

“Chanyeol,” he had muttered out loud involuntarily, stopping all the talk coming to his direction. “You can tell me the truth, and I won’t judge you.”

Baekhyun knew something had changed inside him at this, and though he couldn’t understand why his muscles felt weightless, time was not in his favor and wouldn’t allow him to decipher the meaning of it. “You can trust me.”

Because maybe he didn’t need to understand everything.

Encouraging Chanyeol to speak with a genuine grin, he waited for him. And so it came.

“I’ve…” Chanyeol struggled to speak, opening and closing his mouth in obvious discomfort, and Baekhyun made sure to keep his small smile, so when Chanyeol would look at him, he would see everything was going to be fine.

“I’ve been feeling like a failure lately,” he finally said in a short breath, and Baekhyun couldn’t keep his smile anymore when looking at the sadness radiated from Chanyeol’s face.

“You had asked me what I’ve been doing late at night during this past month, and I know I told you I was spending more time with the boys, but I was lying.” Having said this, Chanyeol stared straight into Baekhyun’s eyes with the saddest look he had ever seen, trying his best to keep his voice stable.

“I’ve been staying in the practice room, dancing for hours,” he said with a trembling chin, but not a tear had escaped from his eyes yet, and Baekhyun could see how much energy his friend was putting into not breaking down.

Out of impulse, Baekhyun’s hand moved to Chanyeol’s shoulder, squeezing the flesh he could touch with care, an action they had learned to do to show affection every time one was ready to burst into tears. A message that could be read as ‘I’m right here.’

This act seemed to have given Chanyeol the trust he needed, who swallowed and then gasped for air before continuing.

“I’m such a bad dancer, and all the parts in charge of me are so little, that I often wonder…”

And Baekhyun moved his hand to caress his ear.

“I often wonder if I’m even essential to the group,” he whispered.

It was strange, how Baekhyun felt like his abdomen had been stabbed after he understood how unworthy Chanyeol had been feeling all this time. With no one ever noticing.

Not his bandmates. Not even his best friend.

How many things could a person hide from the rest of the world? He had thought he was the only one falling into a downward spiral when in reality, it was probably all his close circle of friends who were struggling with their new life.

Up until now, Baekhyun had been searching for ways to avoid sharing his secrets, drowning in his thoughts because he was scared of the possible outcome. All of the _what if’s_ hadn’t let him see clearly. Hadn’t let him see people needed people, and people need to communicate with each other to keep the darkness away.

Chanyeol could rely on him, and he could rely on Chanyeol too.

He started laughing with relief, surprising his companion.

“And here I was thinking I was the only outsider in the group.”

Chanyeol was looking at him with puppy eyes, as he always did when Baekhyun had something to tell.

He did now remember the time Chanyeol had told him how important his words were, and how crucial it was for him to listen to what his mind had to say.

“If you look at it like that, you could also say I’m not essential to the group,” he argued, lifting his hand in the air to prevent Chanyeol to interrupt him. “I may be strong in my vocals, but I can’t say I’m the best singer, and neither can I say I’m the best dancer or rapper. So if I follow your way of thinking, I could leave the group this night, and you could continue working like nothing happened tomorrow.”

He saw the worry in Chanyeol’s face, so he elaborated tenderly like a mother does when speaking with her child. “I’m not leaving the group, so stop thinking about that. What I am trying to say is that… you can’t say you’re not special just because you’re not the best at a certain skill. None of us probably is, because, in the end, we’re all contributing to with our talent to create something bigger. Something we’re all part of. And that includes you, and me… and all of us.”

Chanyeol hadn’t stopped looking at him with what could be called _adoration_, or at least that was how Baekhyun felt while being looked like that.

“That means you can always practice so you can improve, but you shouldn’t feel bad about yourself for not being ‘good’ at everything. I know you, and I know you can achieve whatever you put your mind into. So,” Baekhyun tilted his head, feeling completely relax for the first time in weeks, “I have to ask you…”

And Chanyeol lifted his eyebrows.

“What do _you_ expect from yourself?”

Just to let them fall slowly.

_“Do you expect to achieve perfection, or would you rather strive for happiness?”_

Those were the questions Baekhyun had asked Chanyeol, and those were the questions he had answered himself.

It was magical, how the whole mood changed so quickly, and how bright the room seemed to become now their inner lights had returned.

Had Chanyeol ever carried the world over his shoulders, Baekhyun couldn’t tell by looking at him now. Because the boy he was looking at was revitalized.

“You too,” Chanyeol said out of the blue.

And all he did was to blink.

“You can trust me, and I won’t judge you. Not ever.”

And all he could do was trust.

“You promise?”

“I do,” Chanyeol returned with the security that told Baekhyun he really meant it, but it wasn’t surprising. Not when he had known already.

The night, so different from the previous ones, was peaceful and kind. And its gift for them was to let them linger on the moment, enjoying what wasn’t needed to be said with words.

Baekhyun didn’t have to think anymore when all he could see in Chanyeol’s eyes was an expectation for what he would do. The same tiny flame of hope he had found in himself before.

There was a pause, and then all felt _right_. How he had moved forward with no obstacles, no threatens to hold him back. How natural it felt to breathe in their mix scents at their proximity, how fascinating new experiences could be.

The moment Baekhyun laid his lips over Chanyeol’s was the same moment he made amends with himself.

Baekhyun told himself this would be the last time he would ever run away.

And there was so much sincerity in the kiss, and in the way he felt safe when together, a refuge only they were part of.

Drunk in dizziness, pretty eyelashes batted with difficulty to properly see what confronting his false rewarded him with; unaware of anything that didn’t involve the violins celebrating their union, and the way his body felt like floating.

It was his time to dream now. It was his time to _live_.

But would that be okay with Chanyeol?

The weight of reality froze him in place, mind awaking to evaluate the risks he had taken.

But that didn’t last long, because Chanyeol was looking at him with half-closed eyes, just as lost as him.

Baekhyun hadn’t seen Chanyeol’s hand moved to his cheek, only feeling the palm that caressed his skin for some moments, with eyes never leaving the others, searching for the others. And there were so many emotions painted in them to enumerate, that he stopped his attempt of doing it.

So when Chanyeol decided that kissing him back was what he wanted, Baekhyun sighed into the kiss, thankful for not giving up. Thankful for believing.

When adults look back into their past, they usually remember a pretty small number of movies that left a strong impression on their young lives, before everything started to get complicated and faith was not an option anymore.

One of the genres Baekhyun was fascinated when a kid were war films, leaving him imagining how tragic it should have been for the soldier’s families, every day waiting for their dearest ones without knowing if they would ever meet again.

It took Baekhyun more than two decades to know what it truly felt to come back home.

And now his lover was greeting him, not wasting a second to shower him with all the pecks he couldn’t give him during all the internal tragedy, and Baekhyun had to catch the hand over his cheek with his own slender fingers, reaching for something that could keep him sane.

When they finally parted for air, the first thing Baekhyun noticed was their shaky breaths, and the sound of a car alarm none of them had paid attention to before.

Lowering both their hands and intertwining them together once over his lap, Baekhyun let a smile grow over his face while keeping his gaze on Chanyeol. Seeing him reciprocating his gesture could only be compared with the joy of achieving a goal you’ve been working to reach for years, not knowing what to do but to hide his emotions in the crock of the other’s neck, nuzzling against it in contentment when feeling warms arms embracing him protectively.

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol’s words came out as a whisper. 

“I’m glad I wasn’t the only one.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again! After writing a kind of long fic for the first time, I wanted to write something shorter but sweet, so that's how I got inspired to write this story (even if we'll never know about the true story, it's always nice to imagine, isn't it?) I hope you enjoy reading this fic and have a greeeeat week!  
Thank you <3


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